Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A beautiful day

It's a beautiful day. The morning cool and crisp, with fog resting on the still lake and geese calling back and forth. Then the sun, red and flaming peeps over the orange maples and thaws the air into a pleasant warm. The street scattered with leaves, the whole world hued in orange, yellow, red and brown.
Our chickens roam the garden, Clyde is lying out on the monkey bushes sleeping in absolute dog contentment. School is good, life is good. But me? Am I good? Each day seems to get better and yet worse.I definitely feel each day is harder than the last, and that's a little exhausting. But each hardship I face, I feel like I break through a little more. Painful inch by inch. Maybe things are looking up. I can't lose hope. One day I sobbed in moms arms until there was nothing left to sob, then she lead me upstairs into my room, gave me almonds and put me to bed. Today I woke so happy! Yesterday I had zero meltdowns, I was on a new path today. Until mom told me I couldn't bike today if I was also going to run. I totally lost it. I got so angry. Hysterical (I'm ashamed to say). Why? I felt like an animal was let loose in me. And it lasted 5 minutes or less. It left me stunned, tired and confused. Was I going crazy? This wasn't normal. I had just eaten too. Low blood sugar again. How? How had it gripped me again? Took me by the shoulders and shook me until it hurt. I was tired of hurting. Of course mom, dad and Cate understood, they always do. We realized I had had coffee that morning for the first time in a month of two, maybe that triggered it? You know, I don't know. I am still learning, I'm still struggling and holding on by a thin rope. But I am NOT defeated. With God holding me and my family ready to catch me, I'm not afraid. I can only hope for better each day. And I have a game plan.
1. Get good sleep 2. exercise 3. vitamins 4. gain weight 5. pray hard.

"Prayer first; prayer before anything else or there isn't anything else".
                                 ~ One Thousand Gifts

On a happier note, one of my favorite snacks is larabars . My favorite flavors are of course chocolate or mocha or coconut pie or carrot cake, but all I had was dried cherries and I do love the flavor cherry pie. So I tried making them myself, they were delish!
Here is my recipe:
My homemade Larabar

Cherry Pie Larabars

1 cup of almonds ( or any nut you like)
1 cup of pitted dates (I used sunsweet)
1 cup of sugarless dried cherries (or any dried fruit you like)

Process nuts in food processor until ground with a few small chunks. Pour ground nuts into another bowl.
Add the dates and dried fruit to the food processor, grind until a sticky paste forms. 
Put the nuts, dates and dried fruit into a electric mixer and mix until well combined. Or use your  hands. 
Pour mixture into a greased small dish and pat down with a wet spatula until firm. 
Refrigerate for an hour or two. You can cut them into bars and leave them in the dish covered with plastic wrap or I cut them into bars and covered each bar individually with plastic wrap so they're easy to grab and go.
* You can add mini chocolate chips into the mixture. Or cocoa powder and make them into any flavor you really like. 


  1. Thank you for posting this recipe finally!! I really need to try to make them, I eat peanut butter chocolate laura bars like I will never eat again. They are so good.

    You are so strong and such a good writer. Honestly, it does get better. Just gaining five pounds this year (yeah, I just said I gained five pounds and I'm happy about it!) has stabilized my blood sugar so much and made it so much easier to keep it stabilized. You and I are not meant to be waifs. We can't be. The more you eat and stick with this the better it will become and the easier it will be to have a cup of coffee and to not have a melt down. Though I will say that a cup of coffee in the afternoon on an empty stomach can make me crazy. Ask Witt.

    You can do it, each battle you win will make you stronger. Keep eating more each day. Try to enjoy it, push to enjoy it, make that one of your goals.

    Post your gratitude list on this site, I think that would be so neat!

    Love you so much

    1. Thanks Claire! I agree about enjoying it. Tonight I ate more then everyone at the table, and it felt good, like old times when I ate like I was condemned.
      I'm glad to have someone who can relate.

      You probably know this but, all you do to make peanut butter lara bars is use peanuts for the nuts, and dates and you can throw in mini chocolate chips in the end.

      I think I'd be happier if I gained 5 pounds too!

      I love you!