Journey to Gain Weight

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Well that's a lame title for this page, but hey what else can I call it? For truly I'm trying to gain weight. 

But before I go any further I must tell you, I battled an eating disorder all summer leading into the fall and I'm slowly getting over it. I actually thought I was over it and believed I had a healthy relationship with food again...but long story short, I was wrong. So Today January, 14th, 2013 I decided to let it all go. I surrendered it all to God. And I'm totally letting my mom have control of whatever I eat. Starting today she's willing to fix me snacks and meals. Sounds great right? Did you happen to know what I consider healthy is completely different from what others think? I didn't either. 

So, now I am on a journey to go from unhealthy, underweight, unhappy and moody, to healthy, right weight, and joyful. Here we go!!

Day 1

I thought it would be easy. But I didn't realize today was the breaking step. The breaking of my hold on food. And boy did it break. I fought mom all day on what I should and shouldn't eat. She stood firm. I really felt like I was waging war inside of myself. It was one of the hardest days of my life...probably not the last.

I believe I must have the best family that ever existed. Everyone put up with me all day and my silly food drama. Cate and I took a walk in the rain, mom even brought me home a flower from the grocery store to cheer me up. 

The thoughts inside my head were crazy! "I can't eat this." "too much." "For the love of Pete why is she asking me to eat two of those?" And moms thoughts were probably... "Don't budge."

Today went like that. Lunch broke me, snack broke me and dinner...I finally gave up. I was like "Heck, I've gone this far...gimmie dessert!!" 

If I could sum up today I would say... it was hard. But I'm learning to be joyful even in the hard times.

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline."

                                                        2 Timothy 1:7




Day 2

Day 2 went well. I still held on to the small things. Like, "I don't want this cube of cheese." or "I hate orange juice!" But alas I ate/ drank it anyway. 
It rained all day, and it was hard to get my mind away from food because I was cooped up inside. But Cate, mom and I did yoga and I went on a rainy walk with my umbrella. 
I realized that there really are so many other things I like other than health. I love nature and poetry and writing little things in my notebook. It was a good day. Maybe gaining weight can be fun.
 Hey, this may be my only time in my life that I'll ever have to try and gain weight again!

Day 3

Day 3 went well. I ate lots but nothing changed from yesterday. 
It rained  alot but with a few breaks in between, where mom and I took the dogs out for a walk on the golf course. And we all did yoga again. 
 I realized I need to stop hating all of this experience so much and start to enjoy the time I get to know my mom and family better. To really rely on one person is very humbling...I always want to do everything on my own and hate having someone do so much for me all the time! 
I'm learning to take life one step at a time and enjoy the time it takes...I'm so grateful for mom.

The other day I was browsing for recipes online and found an amazing one for Double Down Chocolate Power Muffins. They are made with zucchini which was weird but they are the best I've ever had! I made them immediately, mom and I devoured them in a few days! 
So today I was craving them and decided to bake them again.  

Apple butter that we made in the fall from fresh apples and stored.

Honey

I was devastated we only  had one egg...

But then I remembered we have seven chickens!

So I tramped out into the rain and retrieved five lovely warm eggs.

After more ingredients...Voila! A masterpiece that melts in your mouth.

Day 4

Today it rained...

I woke at 6:00 am and quickly ran downstairs to help mom pack our lunches for today. I packed a gluten free sandwich with loads of other good food. I got ready and ate a breakfast that dad had cooked. When mom urged me to eat more then I was going to eat, I refused. I was still holding onto food. We left...me not eating more and everyone wet and cold on the car ride. The day went as usual... Watch the nursery at CBS, go to class, then to the lecture. As I sat in the big room with lots of other women I felt bad. I felt guilty and horrible for refusing mom when she has done so much for me. I felt defeated and tired and worn out. I wondered if this feeling would ever leave. Then a beautiful woman with short red hair stood in the front of the room. She had no paper to read from...she just spoke. And my little world, my little bubble was popped and my problems seemed SO tiny. Here she stood, speaking to a big room full of people, yet I felt I was the only one she was speaking to. Tears welled in my eyes and it broke. My hold on food broke. It's shattered, done. And God told me he loves me, that I don't need to be perfect, he doesn't want me to be perfect. I found that all of this "stupid food stuff" isn't a pain, isn't suffering...but an opportunity. An opportunity to help others. Aren't I lucky to have such an opportunity? 


Days 5, 6, 7, and 8

I have been a slacker. Four days have gone by and you haven't heard one word from me. I've been so busy the past few days I haven't found the time to write. Or if I did have the time I was so tired all I wanted to do was stare at a wall. 
Now things are once again normal. Today was a lazy lovely day! 
A beautiful day. It seems I somehow have more time to enjoy life instead of always being consumed with thoughts of food. These past few days I've eaten well and more. I've found new interests and feel more me. I laugh more. 
Also...drum roll please...I've been running! And it has been good.
Now that all this food is behind me I can really start to think about others instead of focus so much on Nan. I'm excited!

Normally January makes me gloomy and depressed with all the cold and grey, but this year is different. Its been a lovely winter filled with wild geese that squawk across the frozen lake , frosty mornings, hot apple cider, warm wool sweaters, cozy boots, crispy air and the ever lingering scent of smokey chimneys.

A Journey...

I longed to walk along an easy road,
And leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God;
But Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow the seed in other soil,
To be unfettered in the work, and free,
To join with other laborers in their toil;
But Jesus said, "'Tis not My choice for thee."

I longed to leave the desert, and be led
To work where souls were sunk in sin and shame,
That I might win them; but the Master said,
"I have not called thee, publish here My name."

I longed to fight the battles of my King,
Lift high His standards in the thickest strife;
But my great Captain bade me wait and sing
Songs of His conquests in my quiet life. 

I longed to leave the uncongenial sphere,
Where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near,
But Jesus bade me guard one lonely gate.

I longed to leave the round of daily toil,
Where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for thee this soil,
That thou might'st raise for Me some blossoms rare." 

And now I have no longing but to do
At home, or else afar, His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few;
Thus, "choosing not to choose," my heart is still.
--Selected

           I thought this journey to gain weight would be easy. That it would happen in a matter of weeks, months...But I realize that the whole reason you set out on a journey isn't just to reach the destination. It's about the experience, the preparation, the learning and...the hardest of all, the constant lay overs and stop lights and traffic. 

This journey isn't over. I haven't written in almost a month, but things are moving. I've learned some great lessons, I've become stronger and more dependent on God. And...I've gained weight!! I've got quite a ways to go but I'm heading in the right direction. 

The poem I copied from a book Streams in the Desert, is so amazing and describes where I am now. I have to learn to be content with waiting and growing instead of going on out doing great and awesome things.