I'm alive

Life has changed so much in so little time. One day after months and months of prayer, struggle, tears, stomach aches and lengthy conversations with mom, God gave me a burning desire to eat. And so I did, and instead of guilt I felt joy! Each day gets easier and easier and I am reminded God is faithful. I could go on and on...but I think this song describes it all...

The road

I am proud to report that Nan has gained 4 pounds in about two weeks!  This LBS road that Nan and I have been  traveling for sometime has been bumpy, twisty and quite often spiraling downhill. Today the road looks less dangerous.  There are helpful guardrails in place to guide her on this journey.  She has what it takes to make it, yet the road is long .  A very long road ahead of us.  But it is a journey we are willing to take because so much ground has already been covered and conquered.  It is all adventure ahead!  I'm sure it won't all be smooth sailing, but I am encouraged, for Nan has the desire to gain weight. She wants be able to run competitively again, but mostly to feel good.  God is faithful and we have learned a lot.  My prayer is for continued guidance for the days ahead.  With Spring around the corner, I am sure there are many sunny days ahead of us.

Sisters!  Nan and Cate when they are about  8 and 9 years old.
Best of friends.

Cate and Nan, 2013, still best of friends.  They have always been there for
each other, encouraging and praying for one another.

Promise of sunshine

It is a sunny day today and even better it's been a week of no LBS for Nan.  I am encourage and excited!  She has recognized her symptoms and has been willing to stop it  before it sets in.  I am so proud of her and we both give the glory to God, who has strengthened her resolve to get well.

We've had a fun December so far.  We watched the Greensboro parade with Mary, Cate and Gabe.  Here Nan, Mary and I are watching it from a parking deck. 

Merry Christmas!

Yes, please!

Always Hoping for the Sun


Although today is Monday and we are back into school and chores, it is a BEAUTIFUL sunny day today!  To celebrate after lunch, we finished up our favorite chocolate ice cream--HAZELNUT FUDGE!

Ice cream is definitely a treat on an LBS diet.  We found this at Whole Foods and it is made from all organic ingredients.  The basic ingredients are coconut milk, agave, cocoa, vanilla extract and  hazelnuts.  It is positively delicious, the only negative is it goes so quickly!

Living with LBS

I will not lie.  Living with someone with LBS is hard, but having LBS is harder.  For Nan it's not about cheating and eating unhealthy foods.  No, she has a lot of self-control in that area.  For her it's about eating only healthy, organic food-- and she wants it to taste good as well.  Since I like to cook so that's not the hard part either.  What's difficult for  Nan is getting enough food, enough of the good proteins and carbs.

Otherwise she lives in a perpetual state of hypoglycemia.  I can always tell.  Her eyes get glazed and she starts to complain and all of a sudden a perfectly sunny, happy day turns dark and cloudy--in her mind and body.

 So the trick is to eat three good sized meals a day and three or more snacks.  The snacks need to be protein and carb.  One of her favorites is almond milk and a gf muffin or an apple with a scoop of almond butter.  And it's vital to always have a snack or two with you when you leave home. Essential.

 LBS goes wherever you go.

Always Hoping for the Sun

The bad word

It continues.  I go away for the weekend and she suffers.  Tonight was bad.  She was beyond reason and angry and belligerent and not herself.  She had not eaten for 4 1/2 hours.  She went to youth group with Cate.  She had two snacks with her but did not eat them.  I offered her food when we got home and she became disrespectful and mad.  Flatly refusing to eat.  Her dad got mad.  Then I got mad.  I yelled and forced her to sit down and began to feed her.  She ate.  She began to feel in control of her feelings.

Then she apologized.  Again.  I was in tears, still angry.  I told her that she would eat when I told her to and what I gave her to eat.  She had no choice in the matter anymore.  I am tired.  I am mad.  I am angry that she lets her LBS takes control over her, over us.

She says she will eat.  I will see.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will give her food to eat.  It all sounds so simple. Eat and you won't feel bad.  You won't have to apologize later.  You will have a sound mind, be in control of your feelings.

But there is a lion in her that roars at the mention of FOOD.  It's become a bad word.  I am sorry, Nan,  but food is your medicine.

A beautiful day

It's a beautiful day. The morning cool and crisp, with fog resting on the still lake and geese calling back and forth. Then the sun, red and flaming peeps over the orange maples and thaws the air into a pleasant warm. The street scattered with leaves, the whole world hued in orange, yellow, red and brown.
Our chickens roam the garden, Clyde is lying out on the monkey bushes sleeping in absolute dog contentment. School is good, life is good. But me? Am I good? Each day seems to get better and yet worse.I definitely feel each day is harder than the last, and that's a little exhausting. But each hardship I face, I feel like I break through a little more. Painful inch by inch. Maybe things are looking up. I can't lose hope. One day I sobbed in moms arms until there was nothing left to sob, then she lead me upstairs into my room, gave me almonds and put me to bed. Today I woke so happy! Yesterday I had zero meltdowns, I was on a new path today. Until mom told me I couldn't bike today if I was also going to run. I totally lost it. I got so angry. Hysterical (I'm ashamed to say). Why? I felt like an animal was let loose in me. And it lasted 5 minutes or less. It left me stunned, tired and confused. Was I going crazy? This wasn't normal. I had just eaten too. Low blood sugar again. How? How had it gripped me again? Took me by the shoulders and shook me until it hurt. I was tired of hurting. Of course mom, dad and Cate understood, they always do. We realized I had had coffee that morning for the first time in a month of two, maybe that triggered it? You know, I don't know. I am still learning, I'm still struggling and holding on by a thin rope. But I am NOT defeated. With God holding me and my family ready to catch me, I'm not afraid. I can only hope for better each day. And I have a game plan.
1. Get good sleep 2. exercise 3. vitamins 4. gain weight 5. pray hard.

"Prayer first; prayer before anything else or there isn't anything else".
                                 ~ One Thousand Gifts

On a happier note, one of my favorite snacks is larabars . My favorite flavors are of course chocolate or mocha or coconut pie or carrot cake, but all I had was dried cherries and I do love the flavor cherry pie. So I tried making them myself, they were delish!
Here is my recipe:

My homemade Larabar

Cherry Pie Larabars

1 cup of almonds ( or any nut you like)
1 cup of pitted dates (I used sunsweet)
1 cup of sugarless dried cherries (or any dried fruit you like)




Directions:
Process nuts in food processor until ground with a few small chunks. Pour ground nuts into another bowl.
Add the dates and dried fruit to the food processor, grind until a sticky paste forms. 
Put the nuts, dates and dried fruit into a electric mixer and mix until well combined. Or use your  hands. 
Pour mixture into a greased small dish and pat down with a wet spatula until firm. 
Refrigerate for an hour or two. You can cut them into bars and leave them in the dish covered with plastic wrap or I cut them into bars and covered each bar individually with plastic wrap so they're easy to grab and go.
* You can add mini chocolate chips into the mixture. Or cocoa powder and make them into any flavor you really like. 

Getting to the finish line

She can run like the wind in the race to win.  She is swift of feet and smooth like a cat, her moves natural and sure.  But in the daily task of food, she loses her ground for when it is time to eat, she eats like a caged bird and the fat woman on the scales.  She is disciplined of mind, too disciplined, and she has tricked her stomach into letting her brain decide whether she is hungry or not.  When her stomach screams for food, her mind becomes angry, rejecting that feeling.  She cannot win this fight, this race for her health.  Or so her mind tells her, tricks her and uses her.  And when that happens the world is suddenly an ugly place and life is bad and food is bad and we are bad.  She wants to be healthy, to eat healthy.  Suddenly there is good food and bad food.  She eats only the good, in her mind.  Lettuce and veggies and beans and fruit.  Her mood swings like the pendulum of a clock, this way and that, causing anger. The regrets come later, after she has fed her body and life is good once more.  Ups and downs, highs and lows.  No constant mood or feeling. This is hypoglycemia at its worst.  I silently scream do not starve your body, do not listen to your mind, and I pray and hand her almonds or whatever snack I can get my hands on.

No more running from food.  The finish line is a long way off.

You will be victorious.  You are born to win.

The battle continues

The battle is not yours. It is mine.  2 Chronicles 20:15


LBS.  What does it mean?  Low blood sugar to any other person just might mean you are hungry and you feel a little edgy.  I know I do at times.  But to some, it is a serious condition.  It causes severe emotional and physical symptoms in those who experience hypoglycemia.  And it is a condition that can be managed, if taken seriously by the one who has it and by their loved ones.
Nan, for the past month, since she began running Cross Country has had many severe LBS attacks.  Two weeks ago her dad and I were ready to send her to a counselor for help.  It seemed that nothing we said or did made a difference to her.  Her LBS was constant and her anger and disposition, unmanageable. She saw herself as a healthy, normal weight girl, but at 5'11" and 113 lbs. she was slowly starving herself.  Eating became an issue with her and food was bad in her eyes.  Through much prayer, many talks with us and her sisters, she allowed God to work in her heart and stomach.  So many foods, she claimed, made her stomach hurt.  I think she was just hungry and experiencing hunger pains that would never go away.  True she needs to stay away from sugar, dairy and gluten, but all other foods are ok for her to eat.
So we began a journey.  She allowed me to fix all of her foods the first week, snacks too.  She put up with my encouraging her to eat seconds, to make dessert, to enjoy every mouthful of food.  I had to remind her to eat every two hours, to never leave home without snacks, to plan ahead her meals, and that all foods are good for her (she only eats very healthy foods anyway.  What teenager gets excited about buying chia seeds?!).
I felt battle worn, but  it is a good thing that I am stubborn and lean on Jesus.  I told Nan over and over that I would never give up on her (the sad thing about LBS is once the anger mood is past and they have eaten, remorse sets in and guilt).  We told her that we are here for her, no matter what.  I told her she is a fighter, strong in mind and spirit.  With God, she cannot fail.
So today I can reprot Nan hasn't had LBS all week!  Thank you Jesus!  She ran XC on Saturday and placed  6th out of 177 girls, through the rain and mud, setting her best PR!  She did experience stomach discomfort before the race, but she persevered.  Way to go, Nan!

Here she comes to the finish line!

With her sister Cate, who finished fourth, just seconds ahead of Nan.  Both are fast girls!

The race

So much preparation goes into cross country race day.  They must eat the right foods, get plenty of water and sleep, stretch and prepare mentally.  Once the race begins they are out there drawing on their reserves and hopefully performing at their best.  It is most disappointing when you are watching and hoping for the best  when you can see that  she is suffering from low blood sugar-again.  What to do?  Nothing but hugs and a congratulations on a job finished, after all she did come in 5th!  Yet knowing she is upset with herself, makes me feel let down too. I know she can do better, but my goal is for her to feel better.

Before the race on Monday.  It was a beautiful sunny day